I cried myself to sleep Friday night.
I left home Saturday afternoon.
I finished moving in Sunday night.
I had my first class Monday night.
I’m writing this Tuesday night.
That’s four days. And I already miss you.
I think a lot of people – myself included – would think that I’m a little too clingy when it comes to my partner. I’m very attached and long distance for the past three years has caused me to experience some of the worst emotional roller coasters in my life. It’s been an uphill battle, and it’s taught me a lot about myself and the things I value.
I keep looking back on my last day with my partner. It was a great day. It was our date night. We went out to this restaurant we’d never been to before and tried a sandwich made famous by Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel. And then we watch The World’s End (which was amazing, if you’re looking for a review).
By the end of the night, we were both yawning uncontrollably and ready for bed. For a moment, I forgot that we didn’t live together and I walked up my driveway expecting him to just follow me inside. Then it clicked in my mind and I had a bit of an internal breakdown. I flopped onto the driveway and stared up at the stars for the next 15 minutes. He came to lay beside me, no questions asked. I didn’t talk much during that time. I wouldn’t have been able to without choking on my tears.
But I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him that I’m going to miss him. I wanted to tell him that he’s home to me. I wanted to tell him that every time I think about how long it’ll be until I see him again, I get a lump in my throat and can’t breathe, much less speak.
It’s a couple days late, but I guess I can tell him now:
If you’re reading this, know that I love you. I’m so proud of you and everything you’re working towards. Your work ethic and determination amaze me. I want to grow up to be like you. The time I spend with you makes me a better person. If I could hop in a car and come see you, I would drive all through the night. I’d show up on your doorstep with a bouquet of fruit flowers, a bottle of whiskey, and the 8th season of Supernatural. And I’d make you miss all of your classes to watch it with me. If I could, I wouldn’t let you out of my sight (within reason; you can go to the bathroom by yourself, I think).
I know that what I’m doing here in Portland is what’s best for me, my family, and for us later on in life. And I know that I’ll appreciate the time I’ve put into this. I know that my education is teaching me to be passionate and take pride in my work. But that doesn’t make it any easier to be away from you.
I hope that I’m making you proud. And I hope that when this is all over, I’m able to take good care of you. You deserve all the kindness, respect, love, and generosity that I have to offer. And I plan on giving it you.
And I already miss you.