And I already miss you.

I cried myself to sleep Friday night.
I left home Saturday afternoon.
I finished moving in Sunday night.
I had my first class Monday night.
I’m writing this Tuesday night.

That’s four days. And I already miss you.

I think a lot of people – myself included – would think that I’m a little too clingy when it comes to my partner. I’m very attached and long distance for the past three years has caused me to experience some of the worst emotional roller coasters in my life. It’s been an uphill battle, and it’s taught me a lot about myself and the things I value.

I keep looking back on my last day with my partner. It was a great day. It was our date night. We went out to this restaurant we’d never been to before and tried a sandwich made famous by Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel. And then we watch The World’s End (which was amazing, if you’re looking for a review).

By the end of the night, we were both yawning uncontrollably and ready for bed. For a moment, I forgot that we didn’t live together and I walked up my driveway expecting him to just follow me inside. Then it clicked in my mind and I had a bit of an internal breakdown. I flopped onto the driveway and stared up at the stars for the next 15 minutes. He came to lay beside me, no questions asked. I didn’t talk much during that time. I wouldn’t have been able to without choking on my tears.

But I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him that I’m going to miss him. I wanted to tell him that he’s home to me. I wanted to tell him that every time I think about how long it’ll be until I see him again, I get a lump in my throat and can’t breathe, much less speak.

It’s a couple days late, but I guess I can tell him now:

James,

If you’re reading this, know that I love you. I’m so proud of you and everything you’re working towards. Your work ethic and determination amaze me. I want to grow up to be like you. The time I spend with you makes me a better person. If I could hop in a car and come see you, I would drive all through the night. I’d show up on your doorstep with a bouquet of fruit flowers, a bottle of whiskey, and the 8th season of Supernatural. And I’d make you miss all of your classes to watch it with me. If I could, I wouldn’t let you out of my sight (within reason; you can go to the bathroom by yourself, I think).

I know that what I’m doing here in Portland is what’s best for me, my family, and for us later on in life. And I know that I’ll appreciate the time I’ve put into this. I know that my education is teaching me to be passionate and take pride in my work. But that doesn’t make it any easier to be away from you.

I hope that I’m making you proud. And I hope that when this is all over, I’m able to take good care of you. You deserve all the kindness, respect, love, and generosity that I have to offer. And I plan on giving it you.

And I already miss you.

Love,

Kris

Unrelenting Desire

So, basically, the first time I met my partner, I went pretty much insane.

I remember seeing him and thinking to myself, “God, I hope he likes me. He looks like such a nice guy and he’s really cute and I just hope he doesn’t hate me.” My mind was going a mile a minute the whole time I was with him. I wanted to be his best friend and his girlfriend and his whole world like, right then and there.

I made the decision right after that that he was going to be my boyfriend. That was it. That was endgame. There was no stopping me. I stopped flirting with other people that afternoon. I made an executive decision to tell the other chick that I was interested in that I just wasn’t available. I mean, I wasn’t in a relationship yet, but I was considering it an inevitability. I wanted him so bad that day.

And every day after that.

And it’s funny that I still feel that way about him. Almost five years later. I haven’t wanted to be with anyone else since I met him. And I know that sounds kind of insane because people can’t control crushes and stuff like that. I know that sometimes you’ll have a “What If?” moment with someone and rethink your whole life and it’s whacked out and crazy for a minute.

I’ll admit, I’ve had crushes in the time I’ve been with my partner. But I’ve never wanted to be with any of those people. I’ve thought they were cute as hell and had a personality like nobody’s business. But not once have I ever had that “I have to make him/her mine” thought. Not since him. Not since that day that I met him.

I have an unrelenting desire for my partner. It’s a crazy feeling and it always surprises me that I wake up every day still feeling this way. But, I’ve never had a day in the past 4+ years where I haven’t wanted to be with him. Even when we fought. Hell, even when we broke up. I regretted leaving his side immediately. Because I knew deep in my core that leaving him was doing the exact opposite of what made me happy. God, he makes me happy.

What I’m getting at here is that love is stupid crazy. And it’s not the same for everybody. But my personality is one that wants things. And I think that, for the rest of my life, I’ll be wanting to be with him.

I love you, James. If you’re reading this, get over here and give me a kiss.