Rambling is my specialty.

I’m not quite sure why I feel the way I do. Today has been an eye-opening 24 hours.

I woke up this morning, took a shower, got dressed up, cleaned my room, and was ready for the day to start. I was excited. I was hopeful that the day would be a good one. In hindsight, I don’t really know why I thought this. There wasn’t much to imply that it would be.

I ended up spending all day in my room. My very, very clean room. Originally, I thought the boyfriend and I might be able to hang out for an hour or two, but about ten minutes after getting dressed, I realized that wasn’t going to happen. We were going to go out to lunch with his grandmother, but she couldn’t get off work, so that plan fell through. And I guess he didn’t want to hang out, since he didn’t ask to or anything, so I changed into some lounge clothes and flopped back into bed.

He’s off camping now. I didn’t know they were going until last night when I saw his mother  post about it on Facebook. And since he didn’t tell me about it, I figured he wasn’t going because of work or something. But that’s not the case, apparently.

I spent a little too much time today wondering to myself, if I hadn’t asked, would he have even told me? Or was he planning on just dropping off the grid? Who knows? I have no reason to be upset over this, because he’s not obligated to tell me where he is all the time, and I really don’t want to be one of THOSE girlfriends. It was just weird to me, I guess. I’m so used to knowing where my family is all the time. I’m also used to talking to my boyfriend basically all the time. It’s become so routine to text him from the moment I wake up, then on and off all throughout the day. It feels off when I don’t. Maybe that’s what’s bothering me. The camping trip is disrupting my routine.

My routine sucks. It’s so dependent on my boyfriend. My mood is so dependent on him. We talk and hang out so much that when he goes away, it’s like everything stops. He’s all that I have, you know. I guess I should have invested in having at least two friends. But then again, my old best friend was that second friend. I had the two best friends a person could ever have; I never thought I’d need another friend. So much for that.

I wish I was able to make myself happy. How do people do it?