Archive for March, 2015

March 22, 2015

Motherhood, or the Lack Thereof

Why don’t you have kids yet? 

Have you tried? Are you trying?

Why don’t you want kids?

But children are the most amazing gift!

I was like you. But now I have children and they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Children will give you so much gratification. 

You’ll realize that without children, life is pretty pointless.

Children will give your life meaning.

My life is so much better since I’ve had children.

But you’re good with children! You’d be a great mom!

What’s more important than children? 

How do you know you’ll be a bad parents unless you have kids?

What’s the point of being successful and wealthy if you’re not going to have anyone to leave it behind to?

Don’t you want to be remembered for something other than being good at your job?

Don’t you want to leave behind a legacy?

You’ll change your mind.

 

I hear these all the time. Sometimes multiple times. Sometimes one after the other. Sometimes just in passing. The people who say them are usually not malicious. But they’re careless. They’re not thinking when they say them. And they hurt. Every single time.

I’m a 23-year old woman living in Suburbia, Utah. I have a boyfriend, but I’m not married. For some reason, there are lots of people who don’t want to validate our nearly 7-year relationship simply because we haven’t put it in writing. The job that I love keeps me busy and away from home over 50 hours a week. I volunteer whenever I can. And I have a number of passions that I devote almost all my spare time to. I don’t make a lot of money; I can support myself and two dog-babies, but that’s about it.

So why then, do people who have no right to an opinion feel that I should have children?

I know they don’t mean to upset me. But it’s absolutely infuriating. I deal with it constantly. Nearly every day, I have to explain myself to someone else. Why I’m not married, why I’m not trying to have children, why I have no desire to have children, why I have no maternal instinct pushing me procreate. This harassment is nonstop.

Why should I have to explain myself? Why should I have to validate my feelings towards having children? Why should I have to constantly battle for my decisions? Is it anyone’s place but mine to decide whether or not to have kids? Why am I not “complete” until I’ve had kids? Why am I not good enough the way I am now?

The fact is this: I have no desire to have children. I have no desire to adopt children. I have no desire to raise another human being. Not now. Possibly not ever. That’s it. That’s my opinion and that’s the only opinion that matters.

I shouldn’t have to explain why because it’s nobody else’s goddamn business but mine and my partner’s. But I’ll do it anyway. Maybe so people will get off my back.

 

1. If I had children, I would want to make them my #1 priority. 

The fact that having children is not my #1 priority means that there are things in my life that are more important than kids. My career, my partner, my dogs, my hobbies, traveling the world. Literally every other goal is more important to me than having kids. Children deserve mothers who want them more than anything in the world. I would not be that mother.

2. I have depression.

I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression, insomnia, general anxiety, and bipolar tendencies. I have fought with suicidal ideation for the past five years. I am currently at risk of suicide. I am currently fighting the urge to self-medicate. Does that sound like a stable mother to you? I would never wish these things on another living creature. I cannot morally allow myself to pass these onto a child.

3. I cannot support a child.

Not only am I not emotionally or mentally capable to handle all the needs and wants of a child, I am not financially prepared to raise a child. I would want my child to have the entire world at their fingertips. Until that is a opportunity I can guarantee them, I will not even entertain ideas of having children.

4. I do not aspire to be a mother, nor do I have the ambition.

I feel that a good parent should want to be the best parent to their children. A good parent should want to work on being the best parent every day for the rest of their life. A good parent should want to dedicate their lives to being a parent. I do not feel this way. So I can’t recommend myself to be the mother to a child.

5. I just don’t fucking feel like it.

At the end of the day, this should be an acceptable response to the question “Why don’t you want to have kids?” This should be enough. I don’t want to have kids because I don’t want to have kids. Do you really want someone who is so adamant on not having children… to have children? Really?

 

 

But still, despite all the things that I could possibly say… everyone else knows better.

 

You’ll change your mind.

 

You’ll change your mind.

 

You’ll change your mind.