Daily Struggles

I’m not quite sure as to where this post is going yet. I’m really just writing to vent and get all of my thoughts out of my head and into some tangible format that makes it easy to sort through them later. Best get started, then.

 

I take every kiss seriously. Really. Every kiss is a big deal. Yes, there have been many kisses; today alone consisted of at least thirty. But every kiss, no matter how brief, is important. I believe that a kiss can speak volumes.

On the cheek: “You are important to me.”
Between the knuckles of the hand I’m holding: “You’ve taken such good care of me and I really appreciate you.”
On the chin: “I’m happy right here. I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
On the corner of the mouth: “I want to see and feel you smile. Your smile is my favorite thing.”
On the lips: “There is no one else I’d rather share this moment with.”
On the nose: “You’re playful and I really like that about you.”
On the neck, just below the jawline: “You’re worth the wait, the distance, the extra effort. You’re worth every minute of it.”
On the collarbone: “You’re beautiful and I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”

I wish I could convey my feelings into actual words. But whenever my partner asks me what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling or if there’s something wrong, I never have anything meaningful to say. Take tonight for example. Here are basically all the things I wanted to say tonight when he asked me 5 billion times “What’s wrong?”

I feel like my entire life revolves around making you like me. Yes, you’re my boyfriend. You have been for four and a half years. So obviously you like me. But that’s not what I mean. What I mean is that I spend so much time and energy trying to get you to understand how I feel about you. Because you’re my best friend and you’re everything I want out of life. And when I look at you, I feel like being happy is something that I can actually attain, and that’s not something I aspire to feel with anyone else.
I wish that every time I kissed you, you kissed me back with the same passion, responding to what I’m trying to say. But I don’t think it’s fair for me to expect you to feel as strongly about me as I feel about you. Because unless you’re as emotionally complicated as I am, that is just impossible. All I want is for you to understand what it means for me to love you as much as  I do.
On a completely different note, I feel like I don’t deserve you. Because you are amazing and deserve someone perfect. I feel like one day, you’re going to see that you could do much better and then I’ll lose you. I don’t know how to keep that from happening. It’s my worst nightmare.
So, what’s wrong? I am. 

Why can’t I just talk to him? You’d think it wouldn’t be so hard after 4+ years. But apparently, it is. Because I’m a crazy person. Why is my life so goddamn difficult?

 

This blog post got a little too real. But I got all of my thoughts out of the way, which I guess was the point. Pardon the rant. I half-promise the next post will be less insane.

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