November 9, 2015

Printable: I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry

So, I’ve gotten really into home decor projects (hence my not posting anything on my blog in a million years).

As a result, I made a few printable kitchen signs to share with everyone! Let me know what you think! If you like them, use them in your home! No need to credit me, but I’d love to see them in action!

I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry – brown background, gray type

i'm-sorry-brown-picture

i’m-sorry-brown

I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry – twine background, brown type

i'm-sorry-twine-picture

i’m-sorry-twine

I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry – walnut background, white type

i'm-sorry-walnut-picture

i’m-sorry-walnut

Love,

Kirsten

June 25, 2015

New Thoughts on Old Friends: Reflecting, Not Yearning

Have you ever had a good friendship end, then find yourself thinking about that old friend out of the blue? That happened to me. I hadn’t thought of this friend in a long time (looking back, it feels like I forgot about him for a while). And then, out of nowhere, he appears in a dream.

In the dream, we’re in a skyscraper with only stairs. No elevator, no rooms, just stairs.  He’s always just out of reach, one or two flights ahead of me. And just as I’m about to reach him at the top, he starts to go back down again. I find myself sprinting, throwing things, screaming to try to get his attention, but he’s always just far enough away. It’s maddening.

So I gave up.

I sat on the steps and cried. It felt like I cried forever. But after some time, he was sitting next to me. He wrapped his arms around me in a warm, reassuring hug in the same way that he used to. He held my shoulders, kissed my forehead and said, “You can stop now.”

When I woke up, I came to a brilliant realization about my former friendship. Something that I haven’t quite come to grips with over the years:

Our friendship ended. And that’s good.

What we had was good. We learned from each other. We grew with each other. We were there for each other. We were really dear friends. But it ended and that’s for the best. We can’t go back to what we had, even if we wanted to. We’ve grown up. We’re not the same people we were when we were friends. We probably wouldn’t get along in the same way as we did.

But maybe it’s better to remember old friends the way they were while you were in each other’s lives. People are constantly changing, learning, evolving. Chances are those old friends aren’t the same as you remember them. You’re likely not the person you were before. That’s how the world spins.

But that change shouldn’t taint your memory of them. It should make it more meaningful.

It’s beautiful, really. That in this universe, for a millisecond in the grand timeline, two completely different people, both still evolving, still moving on their separate roads through life, were able to cross paths and form a bond for even the briefest of times. And even though two straight lines only meet at a singular point in space before going off in different directions and never meeting again… that point in space is special. It’s completely unique. No other point on either of those lines will ever be identical to that; nothing will ever match that intersection in space.

Life is full of those unique intersections in space. It’s silly to yearn for that same experience a second time because the singularity of that experience is what makes it special. We can look back on those moments with fondness, but we need to realize when the moment is over.

I’ve spent a lot of time hoping for my friend back. I’ve spent time chasing down that friendship that meant so much to me, wishing it would just go back to the way it was. But it never will. I’ll never have that friendship again. Even if my friend came back into my life somehow, it would be a new experience, a new intersection in space. It will never be as it was. And therein lies the perfection.

I’m okay with being at the end of this moment. I realize that what I had was meaningful and special to me. I am grateful for the happiness that this friendship brought me. I am grateful to have had the chance to know this person. And most importantly, I acknowledge the finality of it all.

Now, I have the opportunity fully engage and embrace the next unique intersection in my life. And just like all the ones before this, it will be perfect in its peculiarity.

May 7, 2015

Note to Self:

You are a woman of might and grace
You are built of rock and pain, of heat and blood
You are both strength and weakness
Both malice and love
Both vanity and charity
You are vicious and merciless but also beautiful

Your power radiates outward
But your fear fills you
You are afraid
Afraid of failure, of loss
You fear love will abandon you
Or worse, that you will abandon love

And so you pull inward,
Keeping your heart so close that you might smother it
Because maybe that will feel better than letting it break
How tempting it is to give up, to let go
The path ahead of you is treacherous,
Sometimes more thorn than rose

But you, dear girl
Are not made of gold
You may be precious and dazzling
But you are not soft

You, dear girl
Are an uncut diamond

Hardened by the weight of the world
Burned and pressed and pushed
They tried to crush you but only made you stronger
You are not made to be pretty,
Though that did not keep you from being so;
You are made to be unbreakable

Note to self:
You are a diamond
You are a diamond
You are a diamond
You are a diamond
You are a diamond.

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March 22, 2015

Motherhood, or the Lack Thereof

Why don’t you have kids yet? 

Have you tried? Are you trying?

Why don’t you want kids?

But children are the most amazing gift!

I was like you. But now I have children and they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Children will give you so much gratification. 

You’ll realize that without children, life is pretty pointless.

Children will give your life meaning.

My life is so much better since I’ve had children.

But you’re good with children! You’d be a great mom!

What’s more important than children? 

How do you know you’ll be a bad parents unless you have kids?

What’s the point of being successful and wealthy if you’re not going to have anyone to leave it behind to?

Don’t you want to be remembered for something other than being good at your job?

Don’t you want to leave behind a legacy?

You’ll change your mind.

 

I hear these all the time. Sometimes multiple times. Sometimes one after the other. Sometimes just in passing. The people who say them are usually not malicious. But they’re careless. They’re not thinking when they say them. And they hurt. Every single time.

I’m a 23-year old woman living in Suburbia, Utah. I have a boyfriend, but I’m not married. For some reason, there are lots of people who don’t want to validate our nearly 7-year relationship simply because we haven’t put it in writing. The job that I love keeps me busy and away from home over 50 hours a week. I volunteer whenever I can. And I have a number of passions that I devote almost all my spare time to. I don’t make a lot of money; I can support myself and two dog-babies, but that’s about it.

So why then, do people who have no right to an opinion feel that I should have children?

I know they don’t mean to upset me. But it’s absolutely infuriating. I deal with it constantly. Nearly every day, I have to explain myself to someone else. Why I’m not married, why I’m not trying to have children, why I have no desire to have children, why I have no maternal instinct pushing me procreate. This harassment is nonstop.

Why should I have to explain myself? Why should I have to validate my feelings towards having children? Why should I have to constantly battle for my decisions? Is it anyone’s place but mine to decide whether or not to have kids? Why am I not “complete” until I’ve had kids? Why am I not good enough the way I am now?

The fact is this: I have no desire to have children. I have no desire to adopt children. I have no desire to raise another human being. Not now. Possibly not ever. That’s it. That’s my opinion and that’s the only opinion that matters.

I shouldn’t have to explain why because it’s nobody else’s goddamn business but mine and my partner’s. But I’ll do it anyway. Maybe so people will get off my back.

 

1. If I had children, I would want to make them my #1 priority. 

The fact that having children is not my #1 priority means that there are things in my life that are more important than kids. My career, my partner, my dogs, my hobbies, traveling the world. Literally every other goal is more important to me than having kids. Children deserve mothers who want them more than anything in the world. I would not be that mother.

2. I have depression.

I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression, insomnia, general anxiety, and bipolar tendencies. I have fought with suicidal ideation for the past five years. I am currently at risk of suicide. I am currently fighting the urge to self-medicate. Does that sound like a stable mother to you? I would never wish these things on another living creature. I cannot morally allow myself to pass these onto a child.

3. I cannot support a child.

Not only am I not emotionally or mentally capable to handle all the needs and wants of a child, I am not financially prepared to raise a child. I would want my child to have the entire world at their fingertips. Until that is a opportunity I can guarantee them, I will not even entertain ideas of having children.

4. I do not aspire to be a mother, nor do I have the ambition.

I feel that a good parent should want to be the best parent to their children. A good parent should want to work on being the best parent every day for the rest of their life. A good parent should want to dedicate their lives to being a parent. I do not feel this way. So I can’t recommend myself to be the mother to a child.

5. I just don’t fucking feel like it.

At the end of the day, this should be an acceptable response to the question “Why don’t you want to have kids?” This should be enough. I don’t want to have kids because I don’t want to have kids. Do you really want someone who is so adamant on not having children… to have children? Really?

 

 

But still, despite all the things that I could possibly say… everyone else knows better.

 

You’ll change your mind.

 

You’ll change your mind.

 

You’ll change your mind.