“You can’t have both, anyway. Just pick a side.”

“Being bisexual isn’t really a thing. You’re either gay or you’re straight. You can’t have both, anyway. Just pick a side.”

“It’s just a phase. Like girls in college who experiment.”

“Once you settle down, you’ll realize you were either straight or gay.”

“You’re just being greedy; you can’t have it all.”

“But you have a boyfriend. Doesn’t that make you straight?”

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard things like this said to me.
And I can’t explain just how offensive it is.

The past few weeks have been heavy in the gay marriage arena. But I have yet to hear anyone say that gay marriage would give “gay, lesbian, and bisexual folks” the right to marry the person they love. They always seem to forget that last part. For some reason, it’s okay to just clump us bisexual people with either gay and lesbian people, or straight people. That comes from the idea that “Well you can’t marry one of each. You’ll either be in a heterosexual relationship or a homosexual one. Not both.”

This promotes the thinking that once a bisexual person is in a committed, monogamous relationship, they’re no longer bisexual. Like we’ve finally decided which side of the fence we’re going to be on.

But, the fact of the matter is that your sexuality is not defined by the person you enter a committed relationship with. When I say that to people, they get a sort of confused look on their face. Like I’ve said something backwards and counter-intuitive.  But let me give you an example.

I have been in a committed, monogamous relationship with my boyfriend for over four years. I plan to spend the rest of my life with him. Our relationship is a heterosexual one. But that doesn’t make me heterosexual. Because I’m still sexually attracted to girls. I have been for as long as I have understood sexual attraction.

But, Kris! Relationships aren’t just about sex! It’s about emotional attraction too!

Thanks for bringing that up, Generic Stupid Person!
I won’t say that I’m emotionally attracted to girls, because I’m really only emotionally attracted to one person: my boyfriend. (Shocking!) So to say that I’m no longer bisexual because I’m not emotionally attracted to women is kind of like saying that once you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, you no longer get a sexuality. You’re just… monosexual.

But sexuality isn’t determined by your partner. It’s determined by you.

How can I say this with confidence? Because I know plenty of people who will never settle down, who don’t plan to enter a committed, monogamous relationship. And no one seems to question their sexuality. Nobody looks at them and says, “Well, you’re not with anyone, so I don’t know for a fact that you’re gay/straight.” People just take their word for it.

What?! People allowing other people to make decisions about themselves? Preposterous!

What I’m really trying to get at here is this: mind your damn business.
My sexuality has very little to do with you.
It has very little to do with anyone but me.
The only person allowed to dictate my sexuality is me.


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